I am debating whether or not I should share this because it is new to me and a bit raw. However, the REASON I DO share my struggles is so others can be set free too.
I really had an “ah ha” moment yesterday. I have had a self-belief about something most of my life, but it has been so hidden — under the radar, that I’ve never put a name to it. YESTERDAY the name surfaced. INFERIORITY. Honestly, I have struggled with the “feelings” of this word, but have never named it before. From the time I was little I felt inferior. Why is that? I don’t know. Maybe it is tied in with rejection … you know, one of those little “lesser” demons that hitches a ride and joins the fun. Argh.
When I think of my school days, I definitely felt inferior to other girls. I was much taller — and you know how we don’t want to stand out as kids. I remember a friend once told me that our Sunday School teacher was telling her family that if I ever got fat I would be as big as a side of a barn (because I was tall). Isn’t that nice? Lovely way to represent the Lord to your students. I have never forgotten those words from when I was around 12 years old.
I can follow a trail of inferiority throughout my adult life as well. It really makes me angry that I haven’t seen it before now, but I’m thankful that God revealed it to me.
This makes a lot of sense concerning ministry too. Now I know WHY I have had certain reactions. Even when I was in leadership and I didn’t feel “heard” by some of the others — I didn’t feel valued. As a matter of fact, I felt like a doormat if the truth be told. Yep, INFERIOR was written on my forehead and some of them were more than happy to underline it for me. Hmmm. It wasn’t their fault. I was the one believing the lie (I just didn’t know it).
The past few mornings the Lord has been telling me, “Don’t look back. Continue to move forward …” but I had no idea it was going to be about this stuff. Isn’t it something how God works in our lives? I had no idea it was about past ministry. I was praying with a friend yesterday and this person heard clearly that I am to sever the memories of my last church experience/pastor, etc … (and we weren’t even discussing my last church). I didn’t realize pain was still there, but when my friend said that — I wanted to cry.
I have to say that serving at our last church were some of the most painful experiences I’ve ever endured. I also know that I learned a LOT of lessons during that time and God has used those experiences as stepping stones for me. That last church is now a launching pad. I am thankful, but I must release this last bit of pain that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS THERE. Amazing. It has been 4 years since we left and still … a bit of trash has remained that must be cleared out.
No looking back. No comparing past ministry experiences with TODAY. This is a NEW season. This is a NEW day. I am moving forward. Keeping my focus on Jesus. Not looking to the right or to the left.
I am NOT inferior! I am a daughter of the Most High God. If He gives me something to share, I am going to share it and not fear man’s reaction.
It is a new day a new season. I am excited about my future! NO MORE residue from this past church experience. I don’t want it. I want complete freedom from the past. I bless those people in the Name of Jesus. I have no doubt that those people believe they did what was right. We all have to walk through our own salvation with fear and trembling don’t we? Wow.
Just so you know, I’ll be praying this through today. I am REMOVING the seeds of INFERIORITY that were watered all of those years. No more fruit will grow from those seeds in
the Name of Jesus. I am pulling those roots up in the Name of Jesus.
No more negative self-image. God created me just as I am. Ha — I just remembered this: Do you know I went to a Christian conference one time and the couple behind me asked me to switch seats so that the woman could see when standing. Talk about satan doing a number on me. Why didn’t they just switch places? Not only was that rude, but satan was behind it to stick a barb in me about my self-image. SCREAM. Ok, I’m getting angry with the devil because I realize how far back this goes.
I can see what I’ll be doing today.
Any heart-yard work needing to be done at your house? I have some weeds that must be ripped up and destroyed.
The transparency and honesty in which you shared Beth is always refreshing to see in the body of Christ.
As one who has had her own things to deal with, I know that at times, and at the leading of the Holy Spirit, when I share them it helps others as well so I appreciate YOU!
I'm praying for you even as I read I prayed because you are NOT inferior by any means. No one is.
Isn't it interesting how we can be living in something and not even be fully aware of it? Other times it's something that had been "put to bed" in our lives but resurfaces. That's where I'm at with a particular area of my life that I thought was buried and done with but has resurfaced and it involves "trusting up close in friendship" when the person you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with changes the dynamics of the friendship and you feel used. Pray for me as I pray for you.
We are both overcomers through Christ!!! I don't want to just bury those things that need to be buried but I want them DEAD in such a way that they can never resurrect again and that can only be done when we APPLY the BLOOD OF JESUS to that thing for HIS POWER is like none other. He is All-Powerful!! Hallelujah!
Love you and praying for you.
Thank you for sharing your heart Beth! You are such a beautiful soul and yes…God is amazing and puts people in our lives to help reveal these hidden things. I am so glad He has helped you with this and I know you are free of this now! I struggled with a lot of these same issues for many years myself. It is especially difficult when the hurt comes from churches, people who are supposed to be representing our King!!!! I am glad you were given this revelation and will keep you in prayer as you continue to clean out the muck!
Blessings my sweet sister! Have a great weekend.
Trudy
I can relate to feelings of inferiority. What a blessing that God revealed this to you. As far as cleaning the muck…I believe it's like housework…the work is never done. Love you!!
Inferiority…Timidity….Not of Christ. But of power, love and SOUND mind. I'm glad you shared this with us today. I think each of us go through that kind of struggle. Of something having a hold on us, instead of Christ alone. That is my challenge, too. To go to the fellowship without feeling the past hurt. I'm glad you reminded me to learn to let go [NOW!] in Jesus' Name. Glory to You Oh Lord. Blessings to you sister. "It truly is for freedom that Christ died for us!"
"but I'm thankful that God revealed it to me."
Amen sister.
I remember when the Lord revealed this to me also. At first I was sad that I didn't realize it sooner but I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart: "Angela, you KNOW now, the lie has been revealed. You could have continued on living this lie, but the truth has set you free"…
Anyone that 'knows' me would never think that I would have dealt with inferiority, with my personality and behavior. I have shared with many that on the outside it may have looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was a bundle of nerves and stress.
I too look back at the years of ministry I was involved in….Your right, they are stepping stones. What I learned from those times has enabled me to walk in the strength of the Lord now more so than ever before in my ministries. He leads the way now in such a powerful anointing than ever before.
Thanks for being 'real' sis. I love it! It's a sharpening that is a blessing. Proverbs 27:17…((hugs))
Beth, a very open post. I certainly can relate. A lot of it, for me, has to do with my low self worth. That is why I thought everyone was better than me. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.
Dear Beth, What a declaration of God's goodness!! I too have and sometimes still do walk with that ugly word written on my forehead. I walked away with a feeling of rejection not long ago from a ministry. Although I truly believe it was 100% God's will, I was asked to leave. Fired!! Anyway, I know that some of the trash still lingers and you know how I can tell? When I think of it I get stirred up again. It is a journey and I am so glad God doesn't give up on us. Your words were exactly what I needed today. God Bless You, Kimi Gaines
Beth,
You are beautifully exceptional and I thank God for the magnificent woman He created in YOU. Praise Him for that. For those of us who have you in our lives we are truly blessed beyond measure…
Beth, this is an awesome post. I think I struggle with this too because I do have moments of "no one sees me", "what I do doesn't matter" etc. I am thankful for a gentle, loving Heavenly Father who loves us too much to leave us there. Blessings!
Fist pumping and AMEN's coming from Phoenix. I received my height very early as a girl and was SO skinny. You are precious in His sight.
Thank you so very much for your recent kind thoughts and comments.
How freeing! Praise the Lord for these times of revelation!!!
All I can say is thank you for sharing. I have had those same things running through me and couldn't pin point them. Your post helped me to do that. Thank you so very much.
Thanks for being so open, and sharing your heart. You are so gifted, and very beautiful. I am praying for you.
Bless you for being so willing to put your thoughts and feelings out there while they are still RAW. I know what you mean – it can be so much easier to share something you've already processed fully in the Lord when you're on the other side of it. But to share it while you're still in process is a gift to others since we can take that walk with you and experience growth by applying what you're learning to our own struggles. Praise God for the ground you are taking in Jesus name!
Praising God with you for your freedom in this, Beth. Love it that your girlfriend prayed with youand the Holy Spirit showed up so powerfully to release some things.
beth, i admire you for being so open and honest.
Beth, I too can relate…never realized that the reason I felt like "no one was listening" was because I too felt inferior…just didn't know it as that.
I recall during the time I was our church's women's bible study leader, a lady that I asked to do the "winter" bible study in my place decided to have all of us ladies take a "gift" survey to determine what out spiritual gifts were. I scored "low" on the gift of teaching and she openly said then that teaching was not my spiritual gift…that stung me so bad and I allowed it to eventually take away any desire to teach or lead a ladies group, even though I had felt that was what God had called me to do. The devil does know how to pull us down and he'll use our fellow christians too!
Thank you for sharing….
~Beth
Hi Beth,
Loved this inspiring post today.
You are so open and thank you for sharng your heart.I think most of us will be able to relate!
Hugs and blessings.
I can relate to this post SO MUCH! I still don't feel "good enough" whatever that means. Thanks for sharing your story!