I am in SUCH a time of purging, pruning, whatever you want to call it. Well, after reading the scripture below — perhaps He is CUTTING OFF a branch.
John 15:2
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
I can say it isn’t fun, yet it is my heart’s desire, “Create in me a clean heart O Lord and renew a right spirit within me.” I cry out for God to expose the “yuck” in my heart, but then it is hard to handle sometimes.
I have really been beating myself up for the thoughts in my heart that often come out of my MOUTH.
Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
I have been condemning myself during this season because it seems like every direction I turn I see the wickedness in my own heart: Selfishness, anger, frustration, disgust, and hurt. I feel like I want to sit in the floor like a toddler and throw a temper tantrum. I have been fighting the urge to feel sorry for myself. My days are often planned by my parents (not because they want things to be this way) … things feel out of control … I want to RUN away with my husband and daughter.
In the midst of this stormy pruning/cutting season, my husband surprised me 
Wednesday with the news that we were going to take a trip to the beach. This is a picture I took on the beach (under my favorite sunflower umbrella).
He called me around Noon and suggested us leave after work. Does this sound stressful to you? Well, I absolutely threw a tantrum to myself. I had to contact a few of my closest friends to pray me through. I didn’t want to ooze my anger out on my husband and it took prayer to keep my mouth SHUT.
His afternoon surprise meant this for me: I had to run to the grocery store for my parents, pick up my Dad’s medicine, go to Target and purchase some shorts, flip flops, sand toys, etc … After that, I needed to pack all of our clothes and half-way straighten the house. I was stressed to the MAX. Not to mention that the forecast was calling for storms each day. I rarely get to go to the beach so I was
less than thrilled to go sit at the beach in the rain. As you can see from these pictures — we did have one BEAUTIFUL day — perfect beach weather!
Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
That really is my heart’s desire, but there is so much JUNK in there — STILL! I know we will never “arrive” and be perfected on this side of heaven, but it can be shocking to face some hidden things sometimes.
Last night I had some awesome dreams. I’ll just share the first one with you. I was standing in the yard behind my parent’s house and I said, “God, please show me something.” I stood there 
looking in the sky when suddenly I saw these smokey gray and white clouds begin to swirl. The clouds were alive as they began to show a bunch of hearts within. I can’t describe what I saw, but after I stood there amazed I said, “How can you love me God? How can you love me?” Even in my dream, my self-condemnation was exposed. Do I think I’m so horrible that God shouldn’t even love me?
As I’ve said before, I know God is getting to a root within me.
I have never felt like I really had issues of control, but somehow there is a twisted root in there. I have despised control most of my life and have rebelled against those who have tried to control through guilt and manipulation. Yet somehow there is a release deep within me that needs to take place. There is a level of letting go that I must do. It is my WILL to release myself into God’s Hands. I must decrease. God help me … this is hard. I must trust my husband with decisions concerning my life. I need to let go … just let go.
I put this out there for others who are in the same boat. If you are seeking God and asking Him to show you your heart, then you know exactly where I’m coming from.
Even in the midst of this season, God is sweet enough to bless me and reveal His love for me. For that, I am grateful.
Thanks for reading.
This was such a REAL post…lots of gals are going to be able to relate, including me. Sounds like you're being "refined by the fire." But in the pursuit of becoming more like Christ, that refining process is necessary. I wonder though if we make it too complicated? Sure it's not fun. But once God reveals something to us, shouldn't we just then hand it on over to Him? I think people think that they have to "process" their way through it all, but I don't think that lines up with the scriptures, ya know? But, that's all easier said than done. We like to hold on to our little quirks sometimes. But it sounds like you REALLY are seeking hard to be more like Christ and desire that more than anything, so with that kind of pure motive, the pruning shouldn't be as painful.
Sweet sis, I love you, and your honest heart. Asking God to be very close to you during this season. I am praying for your parents, and all you are doing for them, asking God to give you strength.
I can definitely relate, I've had a bad day today myself (a lot of my old flesh rising up). Pruning is rough, but the fruit will be so worth it.
I understand why God loves you, and just know that I do too! Have a blessed week.
Oh my, a perfect post for me to read tonight after throwing temper tantrums today myself. I am walking the same journey as you, facing the ugliness that resides in me and realizing that I too have control issues that need to be bound and cast off….for good!
Praying for you as I pray for myself…
Much love!
lisa
Sounds like we have similar things happening in our lives. Pruning is a very difficult time.
I'll be praying for you. What a blessing a trip to the beach was!
So honest and insightful. God promises that when we go through the fire, we shall not be burned. The refiner's fire is a safe place. It's a painful place at times, but safe, because God leads us there. Just as He leads us into the wilderness. But He goes with us. Refining is so necessary if I am going to be Christ like and learn to see through His eyes. I am praying for you my friend!
I like your blog,… nice post keep blogging…
SIGH….sigh sigh sigh…Thanks for sharing your heart with us and more, covering us with God's Word like that.
all I keep hearing within me is the song from David Crowder Band..'this is all that I can say right now'…
I nodded through most of this post. That is sooo me. yuck. I want me out of my life and only Jesus in. Thanks for sharing Beth.
I understand, friend, about the pruning and learning to change my heart and my attitude. If I do that, then I won't have a problem with what comes out of my mouth, huh?!
Love the beach pics…I'm so glad you got to go! Where were you?
I too understand about the PRUNING…oh that stinky BUT necessary cleansing we all experience from our LOVING GOD.
While our pruning is different Beth and for different purposes; I can surely relate to the process. I'm grateful to our LORD for loving us just that much!!!
Praying for you and love the photos.
Hugs.
Hi Beth,
Beautiful post and thank you for sharing! So many of us will relate to your post today-I can for sure!!It hurts when God does this pruning but it oh so necessary to refine us and bring forth fruit! Praying for you.
Hugs and blessings.
This was definitely a heartfelt post that I can relate to. It takes courage to acknowledge imperfections within your spirit…but with the grace of God…He is more than able to love us and mold and prune and carve us into what He wants us to be.
Pruning is part of the refining process so that you can come out as gold or dare I say…platinum.
Once again beautiful post and thanks for blessing my spirit with your honesty, sincerity, and humility.
Beautiful words Beth and beautiful pictures. I love you and am praying for you!