Hi Friends. I don’t know why I am driven to record my life! I have journaled since I was a pre-teen — so just entertain my obsession or move on to the next blog.
Last night my husband, daughter, and I had (yes I said HAD) to attend a Christmas musical at our old church. You have no idea the bundle of emotions in my heart where this church family was concerned. To catch most of you up to speed, this was my husband’s home church. We attended there as a married couple for 15 years. I was heavily involved in the music ministry … held many roles there, SS teacher, lay pastor, prayer coordinator, etc … The prayer coordinator position was my calling in those last 7 years. I would have laid down my life for God’s Will at that church. I know that sounds so “dramatic,” but that was how much I believed in this calling I felt in my heart.
A lot of ugly things happened — a mean UGLY things. My husband, who swore he would NEVER leave that church because his ancestors were there, decided he wouldn’t raise our daughter there after witnessing the ugliness. It wasn’t his decision alone. If anything, he was able to use me as the excuse because I knew I could never serve with these people again. Things could never be the same. I felt like a fool because I had truly believed this church had changed and that the old demonic strongholds were broken, but I found that the same group of people still controlled “God’s church” and it disgusted me. It was a very hard pill to swallow.
Trust me, it has taken a good 3 years or more to work through the anger, unforgiveness, and pain of what took place (if you read my 1st blogs — you’ll live through it with me). So now, that the anger is gone – there is room for me to see the sadness, the regret.
So, back to last night. When we walked into the sanctuary, I began to look around at the beautiful stained glass windows, the altar, the doors … everything was so familiar. For many years, I was the first person in the church and for many years I had danced, prayed, and cried all over that sanctuary. I have anointed (with oil) just about every inch of the sanctuary that could be reached … and now I was a stranger there — a visitor. It was surreal. I saw people who I felt love and warm feelings towards, yet it felt like they were behind a sheet of glass. I could see them, but there was a chasm that kept me from moving backwards (even in my heart).
When I first sat down and began to look around — same ol’ banner, everything the same … I began to think how easy it would be to stay in a familiar place. Our relationships were there, our families, some friends … a place that felt safe. ESPECIALLY TO MY HUSBAND. Most of my friends left this church when everything happened and they (some of “they/them” being the people who haven’t darkened the doors of that building before or since they came to vote that fateful night) chased our pastor out of town. But most of my husband’s friends remained. Don’t get me wrong, there were “wrongs” on both sides of the fence. Gossip, lies, just pure evil and flesh. Sigh …
It felt like I could just lay face down on the carpet and wail! I knew if I allowed myself, surely my heart could have been ripped open and spilled out on the floor. Or maybe I just expected myself to feel that way, but the emotions never surfaced. It was very interesting.
I am processing my thoughts as I type, so bear with me if you’re still hanging on. Ha.
Even though I am aware of this pain inside, it is almost as if it was far removed. Does that make sense? I am aware of the pain, the longing, the great hurt … but somehow it has been healed and it consists of memories alone. It isn’t touching me. My heart is guarded … it is the wellspring of my life. My heart is happy, but the memories are sad. I don’t even know if this makes sense, but my vocabulary lacks the skill of expressing what I feel inside. Maybe the pain ISN’T inside anymore. Actually, I was probably EXPECTING to feel those old emotions, but they just weren’t there to find.
Visiting this old church was sad — at least on the surface because of promises lost … hopes that hit the ground, crashed, and burned.
With that said, I also know God allowed it. He had a greater calling for me and my little family. There is no way we could have received the healing and the nourishment needed if we had remained there. God had a plan and it took something that ugly to uproot us. It really did set us free. I know this now, but 
going back there tries to connect us to our past again. I guess that is why I see this sheet of glass. I can look, but I can’t really touch. There IS NO going BACK. Hallelujah! We have moved on and are headed towards our destiny.
God bless these people who were part of the foundation in our lives. At the same time, catapult us forward into the streams of Your destiny for our little family. Here we are Lord. Healed and ready for Your Will. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
Dear Lord, can I relate! It almost reads straight out of one of the chapters of my church/ministry life, with the exception that the church in my chapter of my life does not exist anymore ….
I can also relate to this peculiar sensation of sadness which is separated from a rejoicing, happy heart by this kind of glass wall.
I praise Him for His healing mercies He has wrought in you!
Allow me to use another metaphor: I am sure that over the years living on planet earth you will have collected some scars on your body. You will remember the pain you suffered, even the surrounding circumstances, but it no longer hurts.
A wound that is allowed to heal does not ‘attract flies’!
A healed wound may have a scar, but no matter how much you press on that scar, it will not hurt. You are separated from the pain, ‘looking at it’, as it were through a glass.
Thank you for being so transparent, sharing from your life! …. and keep on blogging, you’re touching hearts and lives out there!
I have been through a church split before too and it is ugly. It was hard for me because it was in my little hometown of about 5,000 people…you know everyone, everyone knows you and your business. It was so hard to see everyone get so ugly, nasty and just down right mean…people that I’ve known all my life and looked up to. But, it happened…it took so many years to restore and heal that church. I stayed in the church there because all the “nasty” ones started their own new church.
Glad those days are in the past and we are in a wonderful church! We awesome pastors and wives.
Have a wonderful day!
Sad to say but if you have gone to the same church long enough it seems you will witness some ugliness that unfortunately leads to a split. I have been through a couple, each new phase turned out to be better and old relationships have been healed some not. One thing that remains in my faith in God, He will never fail me and He is never part of the ugliness and it is important to know that because some people leave churches for the wrong reasons and then end up sacraficing their relationship with the Lord and that is real sad and bad!!! I am one who was born in church, raised there, a pastor’s child–really I was born in a hospital but I lived in church…lol Jesus never fails and He puts us where we need to be when we need to be there for how long we need. As long as I maintain my relationship with Him I am able to press on and not lose faith.
I can so relate to your post, I have never gone back to churches I have left but the relationships I have kept were obviously meant to be though….. separated for a while yet reconciled in due time.
Beth,
You have written beautifully what most people cannot describe after going through a church that has been split.
I have been there too. I have seen so much of what you describe.
And you are right…our vocabulary doesn’t seem extensive or exhaustive enough to describe the rainbow of emotions that you have gone through or where we have been.
The only constant that I have ever known is God’s faithfulness. And I see His new mercies flowing forth in your ability to even be there in the first place.
Blessings to you sweet sister.
Thank you all for your encouragement. It has been such a long process! I am sad to hear that so many people have been through this. God help us! If the sheep can’t get along, what about those who aren’t in the flock? Oh dear.
I had no idea that church splits were so common.
Thank you for your sweet words!
Love,
Beth
Yes, we have also endured a split in our church. I don’t know of many churches that have NOT had to deal with some sort of split.
Thanks be to God for the healing that has taken place in your life and your husband’s. And do you know why it took place? Because you CHOSE forgiveness! Perhaps going back to the church was God’s way of showing you that healing He has done.
Thank you for a great post!
I had something similar happen in my church as a teenager. That is a hard situation. I’m sorry.
Thank you for your comment today on Faith Lifts! 🙂 God bless. ~Carol
I LOVED your post today. We have recently left our church for numerous reasons. It was our home. We spent more time with our church family than with our own extended family.
We are now searching out a new church home, it is tough. How wonderful that you can post your heart about these things. I can’t because there are many who read my blog from our old church and never comment. Some come to see what we are up to, some come by my blog for gossip and fleshly reasons. So I keep quiet.
I have realized truly who my friends are…and also have learned that sheep bite.
Before my husband was a pastor we too were involved in a split. We stayed while others left.
It was very painful and we struggled to set an example of Christ to our children and to others, by keeping our mouths shut as best we could (it’s hard isn’t it?), and showing love to those who left and reaching out to those who hurt us with their words.
Not everybody who goes to church is truly a believer, so we have to remember that when some people get downright rude and nasty. Just because they’re in church does not mean they know Him. Some are just not behaving the way the Lord would want them too. No wonder Paul wrote all those letters about how we should love one another and forgive.
We have chosen to forgive and still respond in love and hugs when we run into our old “friends.” But it was awkward in the beginning. It’s better now. Time heals.
Hi Beth.
About putting a video on your blog you do it the same way as a picture. You download the video to your computer when you get ready to post it you select the button to the immediate right of the button you would select to post a picture. Videos take longer to load onto the post but you are able to compose while it uploads. Any more questions just email me at [email protected] I will be happy to help you.
The main thing is that the Lord must be honored and glorified by our actions and our words. We must show His love always.
WOW! As I began to read I felt as though you were telling my story…the worship team, time as a Deacon, prayer warrior, Sunday School teacher, etc…all of it seemed so close to my story I had no idea what to think. We did not oust the Pastor, she is still there.
It’s only been a year since we left and I don’t know where my heart is concerning all that went on there. I know that I received my foundational beliefs while at this church for 11 years, but a lot of what I learned was about how to be “ideal” instead of authentic.
My heart continues to hurt because of the pain that was caused there. There was a lot of competition and Pride…it pretty much consumed my life and before I knew it I began to realize that I was a target; the weird part to me was the fact that I was a target of other believers. My heart was shattered and so was my reality:(
I know it is a spiritual battle and I tried very hard to hang in there, backing the pastor and supporting the efforts of our little church to rise above blow after blow, but it was killing me. I had to leave to keep from losing my mind, bad enough I lost my identity. We gave up our friends and church family. We are in contact with a couple of people, but really our social world has totally changed. Making new friends at a new church is not all that easy either.
Today I am somewhere in between where I used to be and being fully healed, but I have hope. Your post gave me even more hope that perhaps one day I will look back and see how the Lord used it to teach me.
I am so sorry you experienced that pain but I am so thankful GOD is helping you and healing you.
BTW… Thanks for the award.
Life is filled with moments where we are pulled in directions that are not clear to us at the time – but are indeed the direction we are meant to go. I think it sounds like you and your family are on the right path – I am sorry for the sadness that you experienced and I wish you healing and peace.
Have a good week – Kellan
Yes, I am sorry to say we have been there, too. It was a very difficult situation. And it has taken a long time for healing.
Thank you for posting this and being honest. It helps to know others have been there.
Take care my friend!
Beth, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you and I lived in the same town and had gone to the same church! I can SO identify with what you are saying. (Some time when I have more time I’ll go back to your orginal post on this.)
We had a VERY ugly experience at a church we were both extremely involved in. The lies, the gossip, the taking sides (and sitting with your side in church!), made us both physically sick each Sunday and we dreaded going to church. What we did not take into account was what this whole thing was doing to our last child at home. We should’ve left at the beginning of this mess instead of letting it turn ugly. It adversely effected our son and he’s now a prodigal. He’s making progress, but as parents, we feel the pain of all this.
We’ve been at a church we absolutely love for 3 years now. My husband is an elder of the church, I’m on the worship team and lead the women’s ministry there. In God’s sovereignty, He used that horrible experience to bring us to a fruitful place in our lives. Now we’re waiting on the Lord to bring our son home. (He’s 24 now.)