I thought I’d join in on the discussion at the Internet Cafe today. Kim presented this challenge to us:
So today, I would like for us to share some of the words that were said to us, or words we said to others that were not comforting, or maybe even made the situation worse. Today’s sharing is not at all an exercise to condemn those around us who may have said things that were not good, but to help our community see what words can do if they are not filtered through Jesus.
This should be an easy assignment since I am fairly skilled at putting my foot in my mouth. I guess someone ELSE would have to answer this about ME.
I know I have used the “I’ve been there before and I understand what you’re going through comment” when I’ve met people who have suffered from panic attacks, great fear, or infertility. And it is true, I have experienced something in common with them, but I guess none of us have been through the EXACT circumstances. Right? For instance, when people suffer from panic and anxiety, I feel like I hold the key. But just that assumption has probably offended others. My situation could have been totally different from theirs. God used that time in my life to teach me who I am in Christ. It may be a different road for someone else.
My closest friends have always called me BOLD. Unfortunately, I’m not afraid to tell someone what I think about a situation and I’m sure there have been times when I should have kept my opinion to myself! I can’t think of a particular time. (Connie, if you are reading this, I’m sure you could write a list of times I should have been quiet. Feel free to comment.)
Ok, on the flip-side, I guess the most hurtful things over the years were when I suffered from the things I listed: fear, panic, and infertility.
I heard the following comments:
Fear & panic: Oh, it is just in your mind! Shake it off! You can drive. It is all in your head. (Stuff like that.) Well DUH. If there had been a switch, I would have willingly stopped it and turned it off. Those were years of horrible torment.
Infertility: God told me to tell you to use this method. (When that didn’t work, the same lady decided I needed to try something different. Was “God” wrong? Grrrr.) Then later the same lady tried to get us to adopt 3 girls who needed a home. I know she was trying to help, but never use “God” in the equation unless you are certain, because that changes the game a lot!
People were so cruel to us all of those years we wanted children. I remember one old man who said, “When are you and ‘Boaz’ going to have children? All of his cousins have something to show for their work, but ‘Boaz’ doesn’t.” Are you kidding me? I wanted to burst into tears and run away. We even had two couples “betting” (seriously) when I would get pregnant! They were supposed to be our friends, though I have often told Boaz they weren’t REALLY friends.
Adoption: People mean well, but if they ever say, “Why did her Mom give her up? ” or “How did her mother give up something so precious?” I feel my defenses rise up. Ok, for all of you who might talk to an adoptive parent …The birthmom was courageous to give birth to a child she couldn’t raise. In this day and time ABORTION is the easy, quick way out. I thank GOD for my daughter’s birthmom and the gift of LIFE that she gave my daughter. Birthmom’s didn’t “give away” or “hurt” the children — they were definitely used by God to give life and HOPE and a future to another. On the same note, in my mind I am the Mommy of our daughter. I am the one who was up all night when there was a virus, I am the one who has been here to comfort, kiss, hold, teach right from wrong, and protect. If you want to use the term “birthmom” I totally hear you, but when you say “Mom” while talking about someone else, it is like my brain freezes and I can’t compute. I am Mom, Mommy, and the Mama. Ok? lol (I am not saying this to hurt any of my precious birthmom friends. This is just my view as an adoptive Mom.)
I think most people mean well and aren’t out to intentionally hurt anyone. That is why we all need to walk in mercy with others and show great GRACE. Amen?
Proverbs 12:25
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
If you’d like to join the discussion, join us HERE.
My goodness, you’re posting early on a Saturday morning! :o)
I have had so many times that I’ve put my foot in my mouth. I look back later at certain situations and cringe, wondering what in the world made me unthinkingly open my mouth and say something so stupid and hurtful!
Great post. 🙂
I, too, am known for opening my mouth and inserting my foot. I have learned over the years that’s it’s often best just to remain silent, but it’s something I struggle with A LOT! I truly needed this today…you have no idea!
Yes, foot in the mouth is a common accurance around here. Ugh. I struggle with thinking before speaking alot and the Lord is working with me. I am not easily offended, so when others put their foots in their mouths I just let it roll off my back. Most people don’t mean anything by the things they say but need to stop and think for sure.
I’ve definitely chewed my own foot on more than one occasion. I wasn’t sure what I was going to contribute on today’s topic, but your post inspired me. Now I have an idea for my own post. Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by yesterday for my post!
You are always so sweet!
Mimi
Great writing Beth!
Great Post Beth. I can relate 🙂
Oh yeah, familiar with foot in mouth….tastes horrible. I have done my share so often, and constantly ask the gracious Lord to please put His hand over my mouth!
I’ve heard my share of hurtful things during our early years of infertility, as well as after I miscarried our third child in my fourth month (after trying to conceive for five years).
I think people mean well (I know I do) but sometimes it’s just best to say a simple “I’m sorry,” give a hug, be suppportive, or just grieve with them.
When we lost our foster son, I was devastated (as you know) and grieved for months. My dear, sweet friend just let me talk, cry, and grieved right along with me.
Have a great Saturday! Love ya!
~ Nan
I totally had that problem of speaking before thinking. But, the Lord has totally been working on that in me!! Too many times I have said something to which, I’m sure, caught the person off guard. It takes alot for me to get offended too, so I think other may be that way also. But, now I also know that some people are very, very sensitive and I have to be careful!!
Great points! Probably better to just be quiet if you’re not sure what to say, rather than say something that would offend the other person instead of lifting them up. Because you’re right, even if we suffer from a similar situation, it may be a different degree for either one. God bless.
I have to say, my foot does NOT taste very good and even though I try not to chew on it too often I still find myself doing so. Sigh.
That said, I think the most hurtful things said to me were very random. I don’t recall ever feeling hurt by anything anyone said after I miscarried about the miscarriage or “At least you know you can get pregnant”… those things didn’t bother me. What hurt me more was when things were said out of anger or someone who was actually being mean. Or something that felt like an attack on my personality. Those things hurt.
That said, I guess I should be able to use that to NOT say certain things, huh?
Beautifully said my friend.
Oh my gosh Beth I feel bad that I haven’t read your blog deeper. I didn’t put it all together..the photo of you and your Boaz. I do feel so sorry that people could say such hurtful things to you. I can see how sometimes people would not realize the situation and make comments about When are you having a baby maybe they didn’t realize the situation but to make comments after you’ve adopted is horrible. Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray that your words will be encouraging to someone.
Many Blessings,
Sherry
Hi Beth…I think you were following. I don’t know what happened I guess you were Lost in Space…oh I sound old…let’s say Cyberspace. LOL
Have a Blessed Sunday
Smiles,
Sherry
Oh, I hope you do. It’ll be fun. The nice thing is you do as much on the list as you want, for as long as you want. Timing is up to you!
Just post it, then tell me and I’ll add a link to it when I do the update next Sat. It’ll have everyone’s names on it.
This is soooooo well put!
I cannot even begin to relate to the unbelievable pain and joy you’ve been through, but with your writing you opened up a window for me to get a glimpse.
Thank you precious friend!
I’m not one to open my mouth much. Notice I said “much”. LOL! I usually am the one that finds out what someone says can be rude although not necessarily meant to be that way.
i have an award for you at http://chrisamador.blogspot.com/2009/06/thankful-for-these-awards.html