I dreamed about my sweet Daddy for the first time since he died (almost a month ago).
In the dream I was telling Daddy how much I loved him and he said, “I love you too.” We did that parent/child game, “I love you the most …” back and forth type of thing. Just as I feel in real life, in my dream I wished I had captured him on video telling me that he loved me. I really miss him.
Now I have one parent left to care for until she steps over into heaven. We had a scare yesterday when she had a disturbing hallucination. Well, I should say some of us were concerned, not all. Hospice came out to switch her medication to a lower dose since yesterday was the first day on the higher dose (and the first hallucination), but my Mom wouldn’t let them change it out. My Mom told the Hospice nurse to tell me not to worry. I continually lay her down and somehow manage to pick her back up again.
Again, I am laying her down at the feet of Jesus. I can’t carry her (or any human).
Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions each day to get stuff done? I feel like I have so many responsibilities that I am just muddling through. Perhaps it is just me and my vision is cloudy from everything I went through with Daddy’s death. Maybe it is cloudy from years of walking through this with my parents. I don’t know. Maybe my vision isn’t cloudy at all, but I’m just tired.
I don’t want to just go through the motions. This life is a precious gift! I want to enjoy each day and walk through with purpose and calling.
Psalm 42:5
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.
I spoke with a friend the other night who shared something horrible that had happened in her family. She had a family member die recently and he refused to accept Jesus as his savior. The week before he died, God allowed him to see his future. He was being tormented by demons. He was burning and being tortured. The demons kept telling him they were going to kill him. It was real enough that he was screaming. Even THEN he didn’t believe this was tied to his denial of Jesus and he died to step into eternal torment. I cried as she shared this with me. I CANNOT fathom how hopeless and dark it would feel to know that a loved one had gone to hell. It just about leaves me speechless.
It is for that reason that I am frustrated. How do I get out there and make a difference for the Kingdom of God? I don’t want to do it in the church. I’ve served in just about every role imaginable. I’m thankful for those who do what they can within the church walls, but I’m not drawn to that anymore. How do I reach people who are heading for eternal torment? And how do I meet all of the other responsibilities in my life at the same time?
Discontent.
Not satisfied.
Maybe it is a good thing to be discontent sometimes. It spurs us to do more.
(Photo credit: An angel my parents gave me for my bird bath many years ago.)
Oh Beth, guilt is a strange journey; it comes unbidden, stays as long as it wants, does what it wants and leaves me exhausted on all levels. Dave has been dead almost 7 months and it’s felt like all I’ve done is go through the motions. Yet, that’s my job Here and Now…go through the motions, take care of myself, this farm, the animals; stay in God’s word, pray, focus on His love for me. Right now, that’s my purpose and calling with, some days, blogging about what’s going on and, hopefully, help someone else.
Last week, someone left me a rather pointed comment telling me “it’s time to move on”. When I told her I was moving on, etc., she accused me of having a “prickly personality”. Now, some days later, I can laugh about it but, at the time, it hurt. This woman doesn’t know me, she’s a self-proclaimed witch…although that was rather evident -wicked grin-…and when I told her she doesn’t have permission to speak to me in such a fashion, things slid downhill.
All that to say, Beth, this is YOUR grief journey and God, if you’ll allow Him, will lead you, guide you, carry you through it all. He’ll give you His strength, His love, His grace, His mercy to get you where He wants you to be.
After all, it’s not about what we want, although I, daily, make the mistake of thinking so, it’s about what He wants. It’s about giving Him the credit, the glory, the honor in ALL our circumstances.
Don’t deny yourself the grief and don’t rush the grief; right now, it’s His gift to you; use it well and treat yourself gently.
In Christian love,
Sandra at Thistle Cove Farm
Beth, when I worked as a cardiac nurse I spent much time with dying people. As you described this man who refused to accept Jesus despite the warnings even in his dream, I understood. I can share stories of many people who continue to refuse. I don’t get it but only the Lord can open their eyes to see and have the veil lifted.
I think sometimes we can get so involved in church activities that we miss opportunities to spread the truth to those still in darkness. I hear your heart. I love to go to church because I need that fellowship, growth and support. However, I spend much time with those who don’t yet know Him. There are many souls to be harvested in my life and I want to invest in them.
Sorry this is long Beth but I only began to watch a TV show this weekend called “Secret Millionaire”. It opened my eyes to the many opportunities we have to serve others. Although this wasn’t a Christian show, they showed so many people in need. I thought of the homeless in Phoenix that I can easily ignore. I think there are many places to go to spread His love and sometimes it’s right in our backyards.
Blessings and love,
Debbie